The Year I Almost Quit Writing

January 1st, 2024. I had just spent six weeks plotting an idea for a work in progress that I was beyond excited about. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I was genuinely excited about this project. But I didn't want to have happen what had always happened in the past… thirty thousand words and POOF, up in smoke, shelved for the next idea, another in the multitude of unfinished novels. So, I set a goal. Word count be damned, I was going to take the Jerry Seinfeld approach and not "break the chain," consistently show up everyday, whether it was 100 words or 1000. And wouldn't you know it, on January 31st, I had written 27 of the 31 days and just shy of 30k words. I was MOVING! I even wrote a short story, SKULLDUGGERY, that got published! 

Then, on February 1st, I started a new role at my company, moving from an individual contributor to managing a team of six for the first time. I left to attend our annual company kickoff. By June 1st, I hadn't written a single word.

ZERO!

This months-long period of not writing was not the first, the second, third, or even fourth time this type of "pause" had happened. 

So, what made this "crisis of faith" a little different this time? Well, my first few months as a manager were tough, taking a toll on my writing and personal life. I was beating myself up for not being all in on all the things all the time. Not a good enough dad, husband, son, etc., let alone not being a "real" writer. Depression set in, and I knew something had to change, or I was going to explode.

Resolved that I knew the right decision, even if I hated it, I went downstairs one day, tears in my eyes, and told my wife, "I'm quitting writing." After all, it was a hobby I could never commit to; it didn't pay the bills, and I clearly didn't' "want it" bad enough if I was always starting and stopping like this. The self-loathing that followed I don't want to admit to, but went something along the lines of "I suck," "I'm no good," "No one wants to read what I write anyway," and on and on. I had critique partners pushing me, encouraging me not to give up, and sharing that they had similar doubts throughout their journeys, but nothing was sinking. Thinking back, I want to grab that version of me and shake him by the shoulders. 

Luckily, I am blessed with an amazing partner who did just that! 

With my wife's encouragement, I sought help and started therapy again, something I had not done since those early delirious days of my son being born. With my therapist's help, I came to understand several things about myself, but three we determined to be the major causes of my current predicament:

• At some point, I had fallen out of love with writing and in love with the idea of being published (aka loved the thing I couldn't control and didn't love the one I could)
• I have severe ADHD.
• I had reached significant burnout.

While I'll follow up with a deep dive post on each of those, being able to put answers to things that were going on in my life was a revelation and helped me to start understanding what was going on. My desire to get published versus enjoying the writing for writing's sake, combined with my ADHD tendency to get super high on new ideas/hobbies followed by a swift fall-off and the burnout I was feeling from all the things going on at work, created a perfect shit storm to end up where I was… ready to give up on something I had wanted for as long as, well, ever.

The last six months have been a journey of falling in love with writing for writing's sake again. A couple of things have been helpful in that regard:

• First, I continued therapy. It's become a bi-weekly thing for me. If you or anyone you know is going through a tough time and needs help, I can't recommend it enough and would be more than happy to talk to you 1:1 about my journey with therapy.
• Second, I leaned more on the writing community, specifically my circle, than I had in a long time. The thing about the writing community, especially Crime Writers, is that I have yet to meet one who doesn't just want to support and see others succeed. I am sure there are ones out there who punch down, but the ones I know climb the ladder and put two or three on their backs with them. Specifically, I would be remiss if I didn't call out how grateful I am for writers like Casey Stegman (the hardest working and simultaneously most uplifting writer worker right now), Eryk Pruitt (for giving me just the right amount of tough love and not quitting on me), Scott Blackburn (for always being an ear when I need it, no matter how much times goes past) and a few others that shall remain nameless but if you're reading this, you know who you are. 
  • I also want to give out a special shoutout to David Goodman who, while we don't know each other that well, it speaks to the power of positive social media as it's been great seeing a writer whose work I admire (check out his debut, A RELUCTANT SPY) find success and share how he went through similar start/stops in his past and spent the last few years learning what works for his process. Some of his recent interviews are, in my opinion, a must-listen for writers still on their journey to a debut.
• Third, I have more or less put my phone up. After reading DEEP WORK by Cal Newport a few years ago, I read DIGITAL MINIMALISM in June. It was eye-opening just how much time I was passively spending on my phone (read: doom scrolling on social media/watching pointless reels) and how that was playing into both my ADHD and my burnout (again, more to come in a follow-up post). This has led me to get so many hours back in the day to do more of what I want (being a dad, husband, friend, colleague, writer) and that is empowering to say the least. If you have ever been like me and said, "There is not enough time to do X today," read this (it's quick) and get back to me.
• Finally, in the fall, I let my leaders at work know I wanted to move back to an individual contributor role. While I should have been ecstatic that my team hit their quota 3 out of 4 quarters, and on the 4th, came up just shy at 95%, I could not have been more miserable. My calendar wasn't my own anymore; I had lost control of my success, and ultimately, my role didn't align with my career aspirations. It's hard to describe the weight that has been lifted since finding out in November that I will be moving back into an individual seller role. I'm not only looking forward to work again but also the things it will allow me to do outside of the 9-5.

All four of these things have led to one thing: I have written more in the last three months than the first nine combined.

Don't get me wrong, I am not out of the woods yet. I still have my off days and weeks. There is still work to do, and I am still learning what works for me, but I am writing again.

And I love it.

If you made it this far, thank you! As I continue this journey, I would love to share it with you. Sign up below to have these posts, along with a monthly newsletter (think writer things I've been up to, books I'm loving, things I have found interesting, author spotlights, etc.) delivered to your inbox. Happy New Year!